


Cracked Gem Confidential, Vol 5: Crackfic tardigrades never die

by justinsbuzz



Series: Cracked Gem Confidential [7]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, Fortune Telling, Gen, Pizza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21642640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justinsbuzz/pseuds/justinsbuzz
Summary: Just when you thought it was dead...or...just taking a break. Just when you think the People of beach city will no longer be funny. and just when you realized that you had no idea how to summarize 3 stories about being baby, getting your fortune told by a one eyed intern, and finding someone's darkest pizza-toping secrets...actually...that kind of sums it all up. sorry for the wait.WARNING: Contains strong language, mild violence, really vague suggestive scenarios, lack of gluten, and low amounts of sanity.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Doug Maheswaran/Priyanka Maheswaran, Ruby/Sapphire (Steven Universe)
Series: Cracked Gem Confidential [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1246499
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Cracked Gem Confidential, Vol 5: Crackfic tardigrades never die

**Author's Note:**

> all jokes aside, strong language. someone gets a dagger drawn on them, and some vague references of make-out sessions. not sure if all of that landed under either "teen" or "Mature", so i'm just playing it safe and giving people a warning ahead of time.

But I’m Baby!

Greg, Priyanka, and Doug stood sternly in front of Steven, scowling down at him. He knew what he had done. Well, actually, he didn’t. no one does. But they knew he had to have done something with Connie.

“STEVEN CUTIE-PIE UNIVERSE, YOU ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO SEE CONNIE!” the three of them said, swinging their fingers at Steven, who looked dumbfounded.

“Bu-but wait! Wait! You can’t!” Steven pleaded as he’s on his hands and knees.

“Oh? Why?” The three parents said in unison.

“Because…” Steven said

“Hmm?” The trio hummed.

“B-because…um…”

“Huh?”

“Because…”

“Well?!”

“I’m baby!” Steven said, instantly having turned into a large-headed chibi version of himself. And to make it worse, his eyebrows were wiggling like fuzzy caterpillars. The Trio of stern parents stood in shock. This…this was the infamous flow that he had mentioned long ago. And he used it on his father and future in-laws no less…

“ADULT MEETING!” Priyanka said, grabbing the two men by the ears and dragging them backwards several dozen feet away from the chibi Steven.

“Greg…buddy…the hell is that thing?!” Priyanka said, nearly putting Greg into a headlock as they huddled together.

“I…I dunno. It might be a gem power thing?” Doug said, sounding very unsure of himself.

“I don’t know about that. I’ve seen the gem’s do weird things. Even Amethyst was able to shapeshift into a plunger.” Greg said, trying not to struggle from Priyanka’s headlock, hoping she would show some mercy upon the balled, yet long haired man. “But this…no…can’t be the ‘old Universe charm’.”

“Gem thing…Universe charm…none of this makes any sense!” Priyanka growled, slowly tightening the hold she had on Greg’s neck. “This is too powerful of a power.”

“It…I-it could be the funky flow?” Greg gasped for air.

“The funky flow?!” Priyanka said in shock. “No…no. Not that…this is too powerful…”

“What if it was all three?” Doug said, looking worried for his friend, who was slowly turning color.

“OK. THAT makes sense! But how do we stop it?” Priyanka said, looking puzzled as she let go of Greg, who was now gasping for air.

“I-I have a thought!” Greg said, catching his breath.

\----

The three adults walked back to see Connie standing there, holding a chibi Steven as though he was a sloth. Steven looked over in curiosity while is strangely long arms wrapped around Connie a little more.

“STEVEN AND CONNIE, YOU CAN HANG OUT, BUT YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO HAVE CUDDLE TIMES FOREVER!” The three adults said, pointing their fingers at Connie, who was still holding Steven, but was in shock.

“Bu-but wait! Wait! Please don’t!” Connie begged as she held Steven tighter “The cuddle-times…you can’t do that!”

“Oh? Why?” The three parents said in unison.

“Because…” Connie spoke.

“Hmm?” The trio hummed.

“B-because…um…”

“Huh?”

“Because…”

“Well?!”

“I’m baby, too!” A chibi Connie said, holding chibi Steven’s hand and dawning large, pleading eyes with star shaped pupils.

The adults looked shocked and horrified as to what their kids have become. Short, large heads, insanely cheerful, and humming sweetly. No parent could truly prepare themselves for this form of cracked-fic horror. Priyanka didn’t have to say a word when she grabbed the other two again by the ears and forcefully dragged them away from the singularities of fluffiness.

“It’s getting out of hand!” Doug said looking worried. “Like REALLY out of hand.”

Priyanka had Greg in a full-on headlock.

“What did you’re do to my baby?!” Priyanka growled. Greg couldn’t say much.

“Not…I dunno!” Greg said, gasping.

“Enough guys! Come on. We need to figure out what to do here!” Doug pleaded.

Priyanka begrudgingly let go of Greg.

“Why…Me?!” Greg asked, catching his breath.

“You’re shorter, and he’s your son.” Priyanka said, folding her arms.

“The gems raised him too, you know!” Greg replied.

“Yeah…well…Garnet is slightly taller than me…and scares me. Pearl looks like she could snap in half if someone nudges her, and Amethyst is too short and really scrappy. Sorry Greg, but you’re taking the fall for…well…that!” Priyanka said, turning around momentarily to see Steven and Connie slow dancing while wearing tiny prom outfits.

As Priyanka looked on in total confusion as to where the soft music and spotlight is coming from, she turned to look at Doug and Greg looking on with tears in their eyes.

“They grow up so fast…” Doug said, holding back tears.

“I know, buddy…I know…” Greg said, patting Doug on the back and wiping away a tear.

“Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me. They didn’t grow up, they shrunk down to the same size as a ruby!” Priyanka said, sounding frustrated. “This madness cannot go on like this. There has to be someway to get them back to normal! Or…at least something close to what it was before.”

“Maybe we should just let them be them?” Greg asked, causing Priyanka to be taken aback. After much thought, she agreed.

“OK, Fine. We’ll leave them be, and maybe they’ll go back to normal…I hope.” Priyanka said, looking defeated.

“Um…I don’t think that matters anyway.” Doug and Greg said pointing to something behind her.

As she turned around, she saw a somewhat older Connie, wearing a sari, and Steven in a pink tuxedo.

“Da fuck be this shit?!” Priyanka said. “Nope. Just…are they getting older at a faster rate? No…nope. Not doing this. This is too crazy for a proper crackfic story. Aight, Imma head out now!”

But as she’s leaving, two small objects clung to her from out of nowhere, one latching onto her arm, and another latching onto the side of her head like tiny, baby sloths.

“Aayaa!!!!” The two really small chibi children cheered.

“Awwww…that’s so precious!” Greg, Doug, and Steven squeeled.

“Say hi to your grandkids, Mom!” Connie said, pulling out a phone from her bag.

Priyanka could only shake her head.

“8 months, and this is how we begin ‘Crackfic Confidential’? Nope...not having it. not liking it, not gonna deal with it. I'm taking a page out of Roses book and just say 'Fuck it'. I’m going to bed.” Priyanka said, sounding really tired.

“Yay! Fuck it, Aayaa!” The small chibi kids cheered.

None of the grandparents were amused…

\--------------------  
That Future voodoo they do so wrong

The air inside the moderately sized tent was stiff and stale with the scents of a hundred different incense smoke burned over a course of an unknown amount of time. Throw pillows were tossed all over the place, as well as a old coffee table in the middle of a handful of people, humans and gems a like. On one side, Steven and Connie sat together, holding hands, and hoping for the best. Their palms were sweaty and moist, the things they weren’t going to mention, due to more distressful matters at hand. On one end of the rectangular coffee table sat Sapphire, sitting patiently as she observed the situation which she had already foreseen several times before. On the other side of the table, across from the very nervous looking couple was Pink Pearl, humming with her eye closed and slowly rocking from one side to another. Back and forth, left to right, and sometimes moving in a circle. And finally, on the other end of the table, sat Amethyst, playing a Theremin. The tone of it was suppose to add a sense of mystique, but had instead added a sense of uneasy and eerie feeling.

The one thing that stood out from the oddballs in the tent was the strange crystal orb that sat in between the group. Its use and purpose seem to be unknown, since P.P. wasn’t staring at it. All she was doing was slowly rocking in a circle.

“Jeez…Steven. we’ve been sitting here for half an hour. I can’t feel my legs.” Connie moaned as she stroked Steven’s hand with her thumb.

“I know, Strawberry. But…this is kind of important. Information about the future, about the things we’re going to be dealing with, it’s best to get ahead of the curve.” Steven whispered into Connie’s ear.

“But…why not Sapphire?” Connie whispered, looking over at sapphire. She only sat there, hovering a few inches above the ground. The area beneath her seems to have shown signs of ice crystal formations. Not a great omen.

“She’s being trained as a protégé. And maybe a possible replacement…” Sapphire said in a flat tone. there was no emotion about her. None of this eased their fears. Even Amethyst had to pause for a second to two to not go into shock.

Then suddenly, she froze in place for a few seconds, and began to vibrate, and speak in a language none could decypher.

“Ecnadiug…Sdub Eser…Drib Eulb…Eulb os yhw…Jasper…. Volley…. WATCH OUT!” Pink Pearl shouted as she fell to the floor. Amethyst threw aside the portable Theremin and went to her side to see if Pink Pearl was ok.

“Ohmygosh! Pink!” Steven said, jumping out of his seat and looking over at the passed out Pink Pearl. “Oh no… no no no no! I…no…”

“Volley…Jasper? The heck?! I thought she was good now?!” Connie exclaimed in disbelief.

“The predictions are somewhat vague, but relatively accurate.” Sapphire said, slowly hovering back down and moving over to check on her intern.

“Is…is she ok?” Steven asked, sounding worried.

“She’s fine. Peering into the future is an exhausting process. For first timers, this is the natural outcome.” Sapphire said before moving her hair away from her eyes. “Well, that or internally shattering yourself. This is one of the better outcomes. For her, I mean. You two, as well as everyone else seems to be screwed. Even she is in the long run.”

“Yeah…real encouraging there, sassy Sapphy.” Connie said, sounding frustrated as she turned to look and see if PP is ok. As she looked over the table, PP started to shift and pull herself upright.

“Ugh…so…verdict?” PP groaned while putting a hand over the crack where her eye was.

“Sadly…not really. Just a bunch of garbled words, and something about Jasper and maybe a volleyba-” Amethyst tried to reply before being cut off by PP grabbing Steven by the collar of his shirt and pulling him close.

“I WILL NOT PLAY VOLLEYBALL AND THAT’S THAT, MISTER” Pink Pearl shouted at Steven. A second later, a red dagger was pointing right at Pink Pearls cracked eye, and a voice came from Steven’s side.

“If you value whatever useless part you’ll play in ‘Steven Universe Future, you’re going to let go of my boyfriend right fucking now!” Connie growled with a tear streaking down her face. Things escalated quickly, going from an innocent trip to the fortune teller, to Pink Pearl nearly getting poofed by an angry strawberry with numb legs and a lot of fear of the future.

Pink Pearl gently letting go of Steven, and moving backwards. And with that, Steven and Connie sat back down as well, and Connie sheathing the dagger back into the holster on her boot. Sapphire stayed still, knowing that no one was going to get hurt.

“Violence would have led to nothing, Connie. You know that.” Sapphire said with an underlying stern tone in her voice.

“No…but it would have felt good.” Connie spoke.

“Violence is like eating a 5-gallon bucket of ice cream, it may feel good at first, but in the end…just…never again, man.” Amethyst said, shaking her head.

“She’s right, Connie. I’m as scared as you are…but…Jasper…” Steven said, trailing off while holding Connie’s hand again.

“You will meet her in the desert.” Pink Pearl said in a flat tone. “She will be traveling in the vicinity of your mom’s old, and if I recall correctly, ‘junk pile’?”

“Yeah...I know where that is…” Steven said, looking down and shaking his head. “Anything else?”

“Yes. You will see a fused entity in the future. One half is someone you saved, but did not save you. And another terrorizes your dreams…Connie.” Pink Pearl said in a pensive state.

“Kind if a large spread to cover there.” Connie said, raising an eyebrow.

“It was a creature with one eye as a gem, but looked as though it was crying.” Pink Pearl said, stairing at the now shocked couple.

“Eyeball.” Steven gasped.

“Aquamarine.” Connie growled.

“They will pose some issues. Do not take them lightly.” Pink Pearl said with a fearful tone. “As for the volleyball thing…”

“Never liked the game in the first place. I’m more of a badminton, or meat-beat-mania kind of person.” Steven said, while Amethyst and Connie tried to stifle their laughter. “Oh, grow up you two!”

“But in all seriousness, Steven. I sense a storm is coming. Your nerves…the stress…your patience. They will all be tested. Maybe not in this dimension, but…in one very relative to us.” Pink Pearl said, rubbing her forearms.

“I’ll…I’ll keep that in mind.” Steven said, thinking pensively about her words.

“Can I ask something?” Connie asked, staring at Pink Pearl cautiously. Pink Pearl calmly nodded, but the look of fear in her eyes told Connie that she did something terribly wrong. Connie sighed, but continued.

“Before I do…I’m sorry…about threatening you. You didn’t deserve it.” Connie said, looking down at her lap.

“You…you did nothing wrong. You are his knight. You sensed he was in danger and you sprang into action. You…it’s shows that you love him and are willing to protect him at a moment’s notice.” Pink Pearl said, looking at Connie in hopes that her words would reassure her.

“But…it still wasn’t right. I love him with all of my heart, and I want to protect him. But I want to protect my friends as well…and doing what I did...” Connie trailed off. Pink Pearl could only close her eyes and nod.

“To be fair though…you could have done a lot worse.” Sapphire said. “Bonus round, P.P., top 5 terrible things she could have done.”

Pink Pearl was thrown off by this question, but she immediately shut her eyes and began to hum.

“Hrmmm…HRRRMMM…destroy all volleyballs on earth. Tape my gem to a volleyball and spike me into the ocean. Trip and fall on your dagger. Trip and accidentally hurt Steven…and…oh…oh my stars I’m not going to say it!” Pink Pearl shouted as she slowly vibrated in the air.

“It’s part of the job, P.P., no matter how unpleasant the future is, you must face it!” Sapphire proclaimed out loud.

“But…if I did…E…for explicit…GAH! Fine…in a fit of passionate fury, you and Steven spontaneously, and furiously make out…on the table.” Pink Pearl relented to Sapphire’s demands.

“Well, I’ll count that. Not totally accurate, But close.” Sapphire said, shrugging her shoulders and making her way out of the tent. “OK, kid, you got the job. Just make sure you lock up before leaving.”

“But…it’s a tent. There’s no doors, just a couple of flaps.” Pink pearl stated before a few nails and a hammer were tossed towards them by Ruby, who was standing outside in a small suit and a toothpick in her mouth. Both she and Sapphire walked off into the distance, far from view.

“Oof. Well, you seem to not only got the job, but also a larger role in this madness.” Amethyst said as she folded up the theramin and standing up. “I’m just…not sure how long this madness will last.”

“Neither do I, Am’s. Neither do I.” Pink Pearl said, shaking her head.

Pink Pearl stayed behind to pack up a few things with Amethyst while Steven and Connie set out into the cold air. The snow hadn’t fallen yet. The sky had been unusually clear these past few days, but the freezing air was harsh enough for Steven and Connie to bundle up and roll away in Stevens bubble. Yet, even in there, the temperature was still slightly cold. Holding hands, they walked within the bubble, literally rolling along. Connie’s hand gripped Steven’s as she tried to find the words to express what’s going on inside her head. Steven sensed this.

“Connie? What’s up?” Steven asked, sounding concerned.

“Take a pick, biscuit. It feels like it’s all falling down around us. I mean…I’ve seen things online. Disturbing things.” Connie said, shaking her head slightly.

“Do…do you want to talk about it?” Steven asked.

“I do…and I don’t…It’s all stupid anyway.” Connie said, trying to muster a chuckle to try to make it seem not at all important. Steven wasn’t buying it.

“Strawberry.” Steven said, his forehead wrinkled. “Connie…for as long as I have known you, you’ve never said anything stupid. And I’m worried about you. And…I’m worried about things too. And right now, you’re at the top.”

“You insinuating something there, Steven?” Connie asked, lifting an eyebrow and wearing a smirk on her face.

“You know what I mean, Connie…and…it’s ok to talk about it.” Steven said with a slight chuckle but reverting to being concerned.

“It’s…I’m not sure where to begin…maybe the whole Jasper thing?” Connie asked, sounding confused. “I mean she’s come a long way. She went from trying to kill us to training us, getting to know us…she’s grown a lot Steven.”

“Yeah, she has. And I doubt the show would change that…it is in an alternate universe, after all. Those things are crazy as hell. At least we’re the real cannon…I think.” Steven said, chuckling.

“Yeah…they are.” Connie said, sounding unsure about things. “But…the fanart and theories.”

“If you’re talking about the ‘Steven-Spinel’ shipping thing, yeah, not happening. I think she might have a thing for Pink Pearl. Plus…she’s way too old for me.” Steven said, sounding mildly shocked. “Also…I’m seeing someone.”

“Oh?” Connie asked jokingly. “And who’s that?”

“Well…she’s smart. Funny. Big brown eyes. Has a he  
art as big as her sword. And is also my best friend.” Steven said, looking at Connie.

“She sounds like a special person.” Connie said, holding Steven’s hands tighter. “Anything else?”

“Well…she said once that she wanted to be a part of my universe, when in reality, she’s sometimes my entire universe. Most of the time, she’s the stars that make up that universe…” Steven replied. Holding her hand tightly.

“This…this was supposed to be a crackfic story. What the heck happened?” Connie questioned out loud, blushing profusely.

“Dunno…” Steven replied. “I guess…I’m not sure. I don’t know if I tell you things like that often enough.”

“You don’t need to. Your eyes and smile say more than anything.” Connie spoke quietly. “But…Steven…can I ask you something?”

“Yes, Connie?” Steven replied.

“Steven…is it possible for you to be…corrupted?” Connie asked nervously.

“Oh…I’m…I’m not sure.” Steven replied with almost the same tone Connie had. “Honestly…I don’t think so. Even if my diamond powers won’t protect me, I’m still half human. My gem could just pop out and become corrupted. But even then…no…I don’t think that can be me. Most corrupt gems would take on a multicolored hue. That thing though…just because we have some of the same facial features doesn’t mean that we’re one in the same. It’s going to be ok, Connie.”

“I…it’s going to be ok.” Connie spoke, affirming what Steven was saying. “It’s going to be ok. Not only that…it’s another universe. Another dimension. And after literally everything that had happened, I doubt anything that happens in the show would happen here. After all, we’re dating!”

“Yeah…yeah! We’re dating!” Steven said, realizing the big difference between two universes. “I mean…how long…2 years?”

“Yeah! we’ve been dating for 2 years almost. What the heck?!” Connie exclaimed, looking at the sky. “2½ years, tops. Most people would have either gotten married, or had broken up. Yet here we are!”

“Stronger than a freaking diamond! We’re awesome like that! Going strong, yet taking it slooooow.” Steven said chuckling.

“Real sloooow. Nope. Not going to go run off and get hitch right now cause we’re responsible…and…junk!” Connie shouted.

“Yes. Responsible and just walking down the street in a bubble, and shouting about how normal we are and- we gone nuts, haven’t we?” Steven said, hit with the realization of the situation.

“We’ve been in hiatus for about a year, and we’re not going to count the movie? Yeah. Yeah, we have. It’s been so long, I’m not sure if we’re in character anymore.” Connie said, sounding uncertain.

“Oh, don’t worry about that, you two are definitely characters alright.” A familiar voice spoke from above them, outside of the bubble. “But, yeah, you two are now less of ‘baby’, and more of ‘banana’.”

Steven and Connie halted immediately, causing whomever was walking on top of the bubble to fall off behind them. Turning to look, it was Amethyst, rubbing her chest. Fearing that she might have cracked her gem, Steven dropped the bubble and went over to her.

“It’s ok, guys. Nothing cracked. I mean, apart from your sanity. My gem is ok.” Amethyst said, brushing off the concerned couple. “But a heads up on when you’re going to stop.”

“Maybe give us a heads up if you’re going to be on top of the bubble and overhearing our conversations?” Steven said, sounding a little alienated.

“If I did, would you really have kept shouting about how responsible you two are like lunatics?” Amethyst asked.

“W-well…we are responsible. And whatever happens in the show, happens in the show. It doesn’t have any real impact on this dimension.” Connie replied.

“If that’s the case, then why does Steven still have a kissing quota to meet every week? Or why there’s a huge crater at the foot of the grassy slope? Or freaking Pink Pearl? This place can’t be totally immune to alternate cannon…” Amethyst said, trying to add unwanted reason into the initial conversation.

“So, you’re saying that I can become a giant corrupted purple people eater?” Steven asked, and promptly regretting it a second later. All Amethyst could do was shrug.

“Maybe. But honestly, I doubt that. Your physical form won’t be able to handle morphing into something that huge…unless…wait.” Amethyst attempted to reply with a logical answer, but paused for a moment. She shook her head and continued. “Nope. That thing was massive. You should be fine. The only way that would be possible is if it just pops out or something. But I doubt that. Just take things easy right now, and you should be ok.”

“So that settles it. Duct-tape cummerbund it is, then” Connie said, rubbing her chin and nodding.

“That…that sounds painful. I’m growing hair y’know, and duct-tape collects dirt.” Steven said with a worried look on his face.

“Meh…we’ll figure something out. In the meantime, we can only wait.” Amethyst spoke. “For now, we’ll be alright.”

“Truth...so…viewing party next weekend?” Connie asked the two. “Get the whole gang together. Jasper will probably want to come, so we’re going to need some place with a lot of room.”

“Maybe the old fallout shelter we used last fall?” Steven asked, feeling unsure about the decision.

“We’ll shop around. We’ve only got 7 days before the premier. Plenty of time to find space for all of us.” Connie said grabbing Steven’s hand as they walked back to their house. But as they talked amongst themselves, a storm could be seen brewing on the horizon…  
\----------------  
Steven Put his jacket back on, being careful as he slipped his right shoulder into it. He wasn’t used to shots, but Connie gave him some pointers about dealing with having them done. Dr. Maheswaran sat on a stool, finishing up her notes and talking to herself.

“Right...so, despite your BMI, you are surprisingly healthy.” Dr. Maheswaran said, sounding mildly surprised. “Heart rate…blood pressure…your blood tests show normalized cholesterol levels and thyroid functionality. Pretty remarkable. But what do you eat normally?

Steven was nervous about that question coming up. In reality…it wasn’t the best of eating habits.

“Um...honestly? Fry-bits and donuts... basically whatever is cheap, and fry-bits are just leftover scraps of fries that would have been thrown out. That’s waiting perfectly edible food.” Steven reasoned, knowing that he was talking to a professional doctor about eating deep fried potato scraps. 

“Uh…huh.” Dr. Maheswaran replied calmly. She tried her best to focus on the test results and assure herself that Steven was healthy. But basic reason had said otherwise.

‘HOLY SHIT! how is this boy still alive? And where is his dad? isn't he loaded? Get this kid a banana, STAT!’ Priyanka thought frantically to herself. ‘I mean seriously, Steven? You’re suppose to be the protector of the earth, but how is that possible when you can’t even protect your inner workings…we’re doomed!’

“I... see. Is that all though? Just fried dough and potato scraps?” Dr. Maheswaran asked cautiously. Hoping to hear that Steven is eating something healthy.

“Well, there's also a bagel sandwich that has a fried egg, some salmon...” Steven started going over his memories of past meals. 

‘Oh, thank the stars for omega-3's’ Dr. Maheswaran thought to herself, mentally sighing with relief. ‘It’s a start. I can work with this. Have him try some rice. Work our way into veggies. It’s going to be fine.’

What came next completely shattered all thought of positivity.

“And... a quarter of a tub of cream cheese on top of it...with a side of chaps.” Steven said reluctantly.

“Oh glob, I'm never going to have grandkids.” Dr Maheswaran said out loud. Steven’s eyes shot up so fast that they nearly flew off his head. Terror struck deep within Dr. Maheswaran’s mind. Not only has she just said that out loud, hearing about Steven’s diet made her hungry.

“W-What?” Steven asked, shocked that Dr. Maheswaran said that out loud. His brain couldn’t properly comprehend what was just said. “Uh... Me… Connie…grandkids… Whaaaaaaa?”

Dr Maheswaran had to think fast, which between the panic attack and the hunger of not eating anything today, she had to get Steven out of there, and head back into her office where her lunch was waiting.

“Oh..um...nothing. nothing at all...go make an appointment at the desk for a few weeks and I’ll see you then.” Dr. Maheswaran said, ushering and pushing Steven out of the exam room and towards the entryway into the waiting room. as she turned around and heading to her office, she called back out to Steven. “And for the love of hell, eat some fruit!”

“But I do eat fruit though. Watermelon, bananas...but mostly strawberries.

Priyanka froze for a moment. She remembered Steven sometimes calling Connie ‘strawberry’. That thought in mind she made a swift mental note that Steven and Connie are no longer allowed to be alone with each other. Ever. Forever. Just…never. But she had to keep composure.

“OOOOOkay, see ya in a few months, Steven!” Dr. Maheswaran chimed back before slamming the door shut.

‘Hmm…the weirdness of this town had finally caught up with her.’ Steven thought to himself as he made his way to the front desk. Behind it, Blue Pearl sat hunched over a drawing tablet with a little bit of her tongue sticking out, and drawing frantically. Steven knew that face all too well. She was doing a speed painting video while at work. But what concerned Steven more was what she was drawing. The fanfiction stories on the darker side of Ao3 had clearly latched their crooked hands onto her creativity. Who was once the person who painted murals all over Beach City of places and planets she’s been too, as well as portraits of Steven and Connie, had now turned to certain kinds of drawing that got her poofed by Connie more than once. Steven breathed and cleared his throat.

“Um…hi, B.P., I need to make another appointment for Dr. Maheswaran.” Steven said hoping that he had her attention.

“Hmm…name?” Blue Pearl said, clearly fixated on her art.

“Name? It’s me. Steven!” Steven said, sounding worried. “You know? Steven Universe? Pink Diamond? Main character of this crackfic story?”

“Oh…ok…” Blue Pearl mumbled. During a long pause, Blue Pearl frantically scratched all over the tablet furiously, and with a dramatic flick of a wrist, she was finished. “This maybe my finest work yet. Want to see, Steven?”

In that instance, he remembered flickers of images he had hoped to never see again. Images of people he knew. Images of Lapis, Peridot, and to his uncomfortable horror, Dr. Maheswaran wearing…less than she normally would.

“Um, OK, no thank you. Just need to make that appointment because I need to go on a Gem Mission. Jasper gone aggro again and all. Need to sing her a song.” Steven said, trying not to sound like he’s lying. Yet, it seems as though the sheer mention of Jasper had put her in a trance. One Steven had seen only a few times.

“Hmmmmm…Jasper…haven’t drawn that big, buff, Cheeto puff in a while.” Blue Pearl said, slightly biting her lip.

‘Great. Good going, Steven. Jasper’s going to be the next victim of B.P. art…Hasn’t she been through enough being turned into a corrupted gem? Now she’s going to be turned…into a corrupted gem?!’ Steven thought to himself as he was holding back tears. ‘Yep…you’re just like your mom, Steven…Just like her!’

“Right…so…when did she want to see you back?” Blue Pearl asked calmly and regaining composure.

“She said a few months…so…a few months?” Steven replied, sounding very unsure about the answer. Blue Pearl likes to be more exact. “I’ll go ask her.”

Steven walked down the hallway, towards her office. As he did, he smelled something familiar. A scent that seemed to be out of place inside of a medical clinic. Something…savory. Steven paid no attention to it as he rehearsed what he was going to ask. As he got to the door though, the scent of something meaty and savory whiffed the air. It was almost as though he was on the boardwalk again near the restaurant area. Steven opened the door.

“So. Um, Dr. Maheswaran, when did you want to see me again exact- WHAT THE HECK!” Steven exclaimed as he looked on at the sight that laid before him.

Priyanka, sitting with her feet up on the table, and a plate covered in grease sitting on her stomach. On her desk was a large Pizza box that showed a dark stain around the bottom of the box. A Pizza too large for any one sane would ever eat on their own. And in mid bite, Steven saw that she was holding a large slice of pizza. But not any pizza. No…this was something that Steven would never think Dr. Maheswaran would ever eat. It was a pizza, riddled with nearly most of the types of meat that he could think of putting on a pizza. This…this was the most unusual thing Steven had ever seen in his entire life. Nearly lost for words, he had to say something…

“Wha...are those...wait...what...Are you eating a Stev-o Delux-o!?” Steven exclaimed, clutching the sides of his face in agonized abject horror.

“um...no...” Priyanka said, frozen in terror of the fact that Steven caught her red-handed eating what could possibly be considered as the unhealthiest thing in all of Beach City. Her career as a respectable doctor and surgeon is now over.

“Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That…that’s a Stev-o Delux-o. I could smell something that savory from a mile away. That thing’s got pepperoni, salami, sausage, meatballs, extra sauce, drizzled in extra virgin olive oil, and *gasp* the pepperonis are even cut into star shaped slices! THAT FREAKING IS A STEV-O DELUX-O!” Steven gasped even more, and tears welling up at the sight of an old friend he had to part with long ago. Priyanka, on the other hand, stayed on the defensive.

“Um...no. No, you're hallucinating. Lack of vitamins. A-And they're pentagrams...cause...I’m metal like that?” Priyanka spoke, trying to sound as convincing as humanly possible. Steven was no longer able to be persuaded otherwise.

“And you put fry-bits on those?!” Steven exclaimed, taking a closer look at the abomination that laid in the box on the desk, wide open for the world to see. “I-I’ve been tempted to do that for a very long time! but was too afraid...because I was trying to watch what I eat...because I wanted to make a good impression on you…Doctor!”

“Uh...um...well...YOU MADE ME HUNGRY!” Priyanka snapped back, taking a bite out of the pizza in defiance. “Your talk about trans fats, and salty snacks, and…SALMON!”

To Steven, seeing her take a bite out of the pizza had caused Steven to be filled with curiosity than anger.

“But…so…what's it tastes like?” Steven asked curiously, looking intensely at the slice of pizza Priyanka was holding in her hand. “Speak you me, oh brave gastrological warrior!”

At that moment, Dr. Maheswaran’s mind had cracked. It would have been understandable if Steven was angry. Maybe it would have given her a reason to stay away from the stuff. But, instead, being looked upon and admired for eating something so unhealthy, she reached her breaking point.

“Wha- what?! Wait! No! Don't....don't look at me!” Priyanka shouted. The creeping guilt had begun to consume her like she would have consumed the slice of forbidden pizza. “I'M A MONSTER! A STEV-O DELUX-O AND FRY-BIT TOPPING EATING MONSTER! GAHDONTLOOKATMEH!”

Then suddenly, a sound of rapid footsteps coming from down the hall could be heard, but just before Steven opened the door, it swung open again with Amethyst pouncing on top of Steven, panting and looking in shock.  
“Priya! You...are eating... an S.D.F.B. ... without me?!” Amethyst looked up at the ashamed Priyanka. Looking down at the pleading eyes of the small Amethyst, she now felt worse than ever, knowing that she left her secret lunch-buddy in the cold. “I thought we were going to wait till lunch, girl?!”

“I…I know, Puma, but now's not a good time Amethyst!” Priyanka pleaded with Amethyst. “Steven made me hungry! And now he knows!”

Amethyst looked down at Steven, who was somewhat trying to look up at the Pizza Dr. Maheswaran was holding, and drooling like a dog, begging for human food. She was never annoyed with Steven as much as she was now.

“GAH! Dammit Steven! Me and your mother in law only have so many things in common, why must you ruin that?!” Amethyst said bluntly. “We need out weekly private pizza parties to talk about you behind you back. How can we do that when you’re still here?!”

Steven gasped for air, and tried to respond.

“For starters, you’re on top of me and I can’t move. Also, can I have a small slice, and finally, ‘mother-in-law’?”

Amethyst crawled off of Steven’s back, and as she was pulling up a chair and taking out a slice from the heated pizza box, she spoke plainly to Steven. 

“Listen, Ste-man, If the Crewniverse isn’t going to fully ship Connverse, then it's up to us to seal the deal, isn’t that right, El, Doctor?” Amethyst said, taking a bite out of her slice of pizza. 

At that point, Priyanka began to talk with her mouth full of hilariously unhealthy pizza for a full minute, in which none of them had any idea as to what she's saying. Amethyst, flicking away a piece of pepperoni from her forehead could only concur that Priyanka was agreeing with her. 

“Priyanka, you're a true poet and surgeon with words.” Amethyst joked while wiping her face with a napkin, and ultimately eating it.

“Why thank you, Amethyst.” Priyanka replied after swallowing her food.

Steven, still on the ground, looked up at pleading eyes are Priyanka, as though he was starving and on the brink of death. 

“But...maybe…maybe…can I…have a slice?” Steven asked, pleading for all of his life for a slice of something that could kill the average living being.

“No, no, no, Steven, you're on a diet.” Priyanka said, as she took a big bite from her pizza.

“Yeah Steven. You're on a diet. Doctors’ orders.” Amethyst teased, causing Steven to feel betrayed, by both his sister, and his mother in law.

“Well, fine! If that’s how you want to play it. Ok. If I’m on a diet, I’m declaring today a cheat day!” Steven spoke out loud as he marched out of the office, out of the clinic, and down towards the boardwalk where he can get a Pizza and some fry bits. But not before breaking Blue Pearl’s drawing tablet. Jasper’s been through enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The door to the house opened with Connie, Greg, and Pearl walking in with a full bag worth of groceries. Connie being one of them.

“Hey Steven! Can you come down here and help us put this stuff up!” Connie called out towards the staircase. “Mom called and said you were going to be on a diet, so we got some fruit, protein powder, and some other stuff we think you’ll like. So, the sooner we get this done, the sooner we can- oh what the hell?”

Connie, Greg, and Pearl looked on to see Steven, passed out in a carbo-coma, and surrounded by frybits and pizza sauce. This was not a good sign.

“Oh jeez…Priya’s back on that horse again, isn’t she?” Greg said, shaking his head.

“I’m blaming amethyst for this.” Pearl said scornfully as she walked away to find a mop and broom.

“Oh Steven…and you only had a single slice too…looks good though.” Connie said, looking down at the Pizza.

But within a second, Greg slammed the pizza box shut, and yeeted it out of the window, where a giant seagull, ridden by Onion, snatched it up and flew away.

**Author's Note:**

> soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...how bout all that "Steven Universe Future" stuff, huh? I mean...wish they had straight up said that the series had ended or that it was the final season back in 2017, but i'm trying to roll with this. new series, new ways to write crackfic, new ways to bust through the 4th wall like Eric Andre on bath salts in an Ikea. Also, C.A.P.S. is going to do episode summaries, starting on the 8th, but maybe just writing it and posting it a week after the air date. leave thoughts and ideas in the comments section about it. see you all in a week or so.


End file.
